Coping With an Addiction to External Validation

In my last post, I wrote about the need to be vulnerable with clients. In an effort to simplify the post, I glossed over something rather important: the desperate need for external validation that many of us have, and how it affects us in the workplace. Let the vulnerability continue!

In her talk at the 2013 Dare Conference, “I suck, and so do you!,” Karen McGrane explains how consulting requires a facade of absolute knowledge, when in reality, most of us are very anxious about our skills. She describes that this duality is a “push/pull” situation, where we have to spend all of our time acting the expert, while we desperately seek validation from our clients.

Karen’s thoughts are echoed by the predecessor piece to her talk, a post on A List Apart entitled, “Give a crap. Don’t give a fuck.” In the piece, Karen also talks about external validation and the need to stop worrying about what others think. She says:

“Care deeply about your personal values and live them fully in this world. Don’t get caught up in worrying about other people’s checklists to tell you what good work means to you.”

Honestly, when I first read Karen’s article, and later saw Karen’s talk, my heart started screaming, “YES!”. Someone understands me. Someone gets what this is like. It’s completely true: all of my career, I’ve relied on the approval of my clients and colleagues to feel good about my work. Worse, since so much of my identity is wrapped up in my job, and being a consultant, this means that I’ve relied on the approval of my clients and colleagues to feel good about myself.

My need for external validation manifested in the following behaviors (just a sampling):

  • Being fearful of making a mistake, and having to admit to a client that I made that mistake (and as I saw it, therefore having to admit to them that I wasted their money)
  • Being fearful doing something that would upset the client and cause them to ask for a new consultant, or fire my firm outright
  • Being fearful of asking a client a stupid question and being perceived as too inexperienced and not worth my consulting rate
  • Being fearful of a client’s proposed design solution being better than my proposed design solution
  • Being fearful that clients wouldn’t like my designs and would think I was a bad designer
  • Etc…

As you can see, looking for external validation for everything I did led to an incredible amount of fear in my life.

That said, at the end of Karen’s talk, mostly all I knew was that I needed to work harder on not needing external validation. I had no idea how to do that, save just reminding myself now and then. Karen claims that self-compassion is the way out, but I’ve been doing a lot of reading on self-compassion lately and this doesn’t resonate with me as a solution for the problem of external validation. I think self-compassion is critical to coping with the negative emotions that are caused by criticism (self-inflicted or otherwise), but I don’t see it as a means to stop caring about what others think. (It’s quite possible that as I continue my self-compassion journey I will change my mind on this. I admit I am quite a novice.)

So what can we do about this overarching need for external approval? Honestly, I’m not positive myself yet, thus I’m looking to share my journey with you.

Amy Pearson has a wonderful website and coaching practice where she trains people to give up the need for external validation, and that’s where I myself am going to start.

I think most people with this issue can recognize it immediately; however, Amy has a post where she describes 10 Signs You Might Be Addicted to Approval. Most importantly, she provides reality checks for each point. I recommend it as a starting point.

10 Signs You Might Be Addicted to Approval

10 Signs You Might Be Addicted to Approval (see full blog post)

 

What I find particularly interesting about Amy’s stance is that she sees the need for external validation as an addiction. Those of us with the addiction race from validation high to validation high, slumping in the middle while we seek more approval. She refers to a term from Martha Beck’s book Steering By Starlight, “fake joy”, to describe these temporary highs, which “take you to a place of ecstasy, then drop you off the edge of a cliff”. I can relate and find this a very useful way to think about things (despite being slightly skeptical of self-help books, ack).

Lastly, as I mentioned in my last post, knowing things in principle is great, but actually changing one’s behaviour is much harder. Amy’s reality checks are a good start, but I don’t know that I can just flip a switch and stop worrying about other people’s opinions outright. Nor do I think my goal should be to turn this concern off completely. That’s the problem about being a consultant, more than many other careers: your livelihood is completely dependent on what others think of you and your work. If you work at a product company, it’s different: your customers only judge you based on the end product. In consulting, you are the product. A consultant can’t just say, “I don’t care what my clients think” anymore. This is why Karen rightly points out that consultants are particularly prone to this issue. What your clients think about you matters deeply, yet you need to find a way to distance yourself enough from their opinions that you don’t implode.

My personal story has more or less led me to a state of implosion. My body is unhappy with me, and my mind is pretty unhappy with me too. I haven’t had a break-down like Karen describes in her talk, but I’ve been wearing myself down over nine years, and over the past few months I’ve realized that it has to stop. I urge you to reflect on your own situation and figure out if you need to take a similar step.

Resources I have identified thus far:

Self-Compassion Books

Although I don’t think that self-compassion is exactly the answer to solving one’s need for external validation, I do think it’s an incredibly valuable practice, so I’m including some links here.

  • Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff
    I am partway through this book and am really enjoying and appreciating it. Neff’s explanations make a ton of sense and have led to many ‘aha’ moments for me. She also includes exercises to do along the way to put the ideas into action.
  • The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher K. Gerber
    After downloading samples of both books, Neff’s resonated with me slightly more, so I started with it. Still, both come highly recommended, so see which one resonates more for you.

Coping With External Validation Issues

  • LiveBrazen.com by Amy Pearson
    Amy is a coach who helps people learn how not to seek external approval as much. Her blog is a great resource, and she also has self-study programs available. Although it requires a newsletter sign-up, her Find Out Your Approval Seeking Personality Type quiz is actually fairly interesting.
  • If anyone has recommendations for books on this topic (or anything else, for that matter), please do leave a comment or contact me. I’m eager to learn more.

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